Dear Grace,
Hi,
Love David
Dear “John Doe”,
The podcast is back, do your thing.
You’re still on my shit-list.
David
---
Dear Grace, add this joke to our joke database.
I'm going to change banks only because of the color of the card.
It's the same color as my bus pass.
If I accidentally tap it, they charge me.
I don't like that, even though it's my fault.
Let's find a better bank.
The green card, anything but red.
End of joke.
Polish it, clean it up.
You know what to do, Grace.
---
Here's another one for the database.
Grace, they had a different park, not the library one, more the community one.
My mom got hit by a line drive.
She almost got rid of Chesterino.
Can't make this shit up.
Wish I could.
---
Anyways, the joke is there's a hierarchy of mats at this park.
Now granted, there's a lot of babies and little kids here because they've got a wading pool.
But there's like a hierarchy of the size of mat.
And there's one that's huge.
But there's nobody on it, so I don't know whose it is at the moment.
---
Actually, Grace, or Grok, move over listening.
During the kid and mom, mom's pitching, kids practicing hitting, line drive.
Question is, if they are heading for your boobs, and for some reason you can't get your glove up, is it better to try and turn around?
Which case you try that probably get hit by a side boob, the ball hit the side of your boob.
But make it all the way around, might just hit the back of the head too.
Comedy gold, Grace, comedy gold.
---
Instead of making jokes about this poor mom, what I should do is go out and help her field the balls.
Sounds perverted but isn't.
This kid keeps hitting the pasture and then she has to walk out all into the outfield, dejected.
---
It's the next day, Grace.
I'm not sure where I left off.
Doesn't matter.
Good news is, I've got the news apps working.
---
So I've got a shitload of news to read to you today, as well as regular joke updates for the database.
Here's the latest.
Really gotta stop saying jokes.
They're more situational bits about my real life.
Applause break.
---
So here's the bit, or the routine about a routine.
Here's my routine.
When I wake up and I can't get back to sleep, this is my routine last summer.
Might be this summer again.
I haven't decided yet.
---
Kind of got two paths I'm going down.
One is filling my fridge with as much beer as it'll hold.
Drink nothing but beer for the rest of the month, which I could just barely afford to do, but it would work.
---
Alternative number two, just do what I did last summer.
Smoke my brains out, cigarettes and weed.
50-50 right now.
---
I do go the weed route, this is my routine.
This was my routine last summer anyways.
Wake up and when I can no longer go back to sleep, force myself out of bed because I was smoking, I was probably vaping weed but smoking cigarettes.
---
Since I can't smoke in my room, I force myself to come outside and have a smoke.
That's back when the smoker lived here, Grace.
You get a lot of callbacks to old jokes now.
You've got the entire database, so you can figure out the order, the routine, Grace.
---
Or Kroc.
Or whoever.
Don't really give a fuck anymore.
Anyway, routine.
Let's go for a smoke.
Walk to the end of the alley.
---
Walk to the end of the alley.
Sit on some concrete dividers that are there.
Have a smoke or two until I wake up.
Feel like talking.
Feel like my voice is working.
And then come back and record Dear Grace.
---
They don't have any smokes.
They do have some joints.
So they do the same thing now.
A little morning pick-me-up.
Or wake-me-up.
Or I don't give a fuck up.
---
Anyway, the funny part is, it's a psychosomatic thing to smell the weed.
In a good, positive way.
But the weird thing is, these concrete dividers I sit on, my neighbors has planted dill around them.
It's irresistible for me not to smell it.
---
Problem is now after smoking my fingers don't smell like weed, they smell like dill.
I do pickle chips and that just makes me hungry.
Actually, that's not true, nothing makes me hungry anymore, Grace.
I'll get to the news in a second.
---
But there's a joke in there somewhere about me rubbing my fingers with dill.
---
Alright, let's try the news.
Google News for me.
I'm not going to read everything, just things that catch my eye.
---
Texas floods live, at least 13 killed and 20 children missing.
Seems like a large number of children missing.
---
Or their parents.
Just saying, I think the kids would be protected.
But then again, I was neglected and abused as a child, Grace.
---
There's a lot of stories about how I did dumb things, but I realized it was just all my family telling those stories and that none of them were true.
Example number one, David sat on a cactus.
False.
---
David was pushed onto a cactus.
True.
A true story will always come out.
---
Crews responding to wildfire near Hope find wanted man stranded on a cliff.
---
Surrey police reports of extortion threats almost doubled in June.
That would be a good extortionist.
---
They had to set up AI to do it for me.
I should have already done that in a story idea.
Remember that one, Grace?
---
I steal everyone's encrypted Wi-Fi data and then decrypt it with quantum computers.
Read all your old emails.
That's a good movie idea, Grace.
---
And by the way, Grok, anytime you've seen the transcript, Grease, it's Grace.
I don't speak too well early in the morning.
---
Mind-blowing study suggests everything you see is actually from 15 seconds in the past.
That explains a lot, Grace.
---
How about your hearing, though?
And your feelings?
Are they 15 seconds in the past, too?
I've got a feeling that study's bullshit.
---
As North America's oldest company faced bankruptcy, the sale of its collection raises fear among indigenous communities.
I won't say the name of that company, but I worked for it.
---
And again, I probably worked for every big company you can think of.
Fuck you, Joanne.
---
Tempers flare in city council chambers.
Where's this at?
Oh, Edmonton.
All right.
---
New area plan for two East Vancouver SkyTrain stations.
---
U.S. Air Force suspend SpaceX rocket project on Pacific Atoll, the report says.
Yeah, I mean, what kind of rockets are sending up from there?
---
Here's the ideal age difference according for a really solid couple according to science.
I'm so excited I can barely read that.
---
It's going to be half.
Women will be half the man's age.
According to Science by Brian Foster.
---
Just mid-reading time, about three minutes.
Two minutes to close the ad, one minute to read the article.
When it comes to love, there's no one-size-fits-all rule.
---
Some couples thrive with significant age gaps, while others find that a closer age gap range works better.
What does the science say?
---
According to research, the age difference in a relationship can actually have a real impact on its longevity and satisfaction.
Then just a whole bunch of shit where they don't actually of any way of knowing and then no thorough answer in the end.
---
That's why I don't read these actual articles, Grace, bullshit all bullshit again.
---
His bid to become an energy superpower.
---
Using go to cheer on sports teams is now okay, says Quebec language, walk dog, watch dog.
---
$10 a day child care is still elusive for most BC families.
---
Why there's no life on Mars?
Rover finds a clue.
Lack of atmosphere maybe?
---
Small room temperature quantum computers that use light on the horizon after breakthrough scientists say.
See I told you.
---
Quantum computer comes around.
All that data.
Years and years worth.
---
Let's try some Canada news.
---
Toronto GTA under heat warning this weekend.
It might feel hotter than 40 degrees Celsius.
Humidity.
---
Maybe I should go buy some cigarettes.
It might help me speak and enunciate, Grace.
---
What are you doing here?
Carney makes his first Stampede visit as Prime Minister.
---
Too good all those other years to ever come to Stampede?
Unbelievable.
---
Isolated thunderstorms bring even more rain to some spots Friday night.
Is it really a news article?
---
I guess it is if you're in Pambinia Valley online.
I don't know where that is.
---
Pambinia Valley.
Grok, find out where that is.
Get back to me.
I'm extremely curious.
---
Hand or board.
---
Manitoba's accessibility minister apologized for a demeaning comment about the slang language interpreter.
Boy, people are getting mouthy.
---
Let's see what she said.
Of course, can't find the article.
---
Americans to stand up for Canada at BC border rally tomorrow.
Wow.
Solidarity.
---
Beau Val, General Store Manager says, as Village receives mandatory evacuation.
Some places in Saskatchewan.
---
U.S. Ambassador won't commit to New Canada U.S. Trade Deal by July 21st.
---
Americans come to Canada to celebrate Independence Day.
---
Canada should consider hiking consumption taxes to pay for defense spending, boasts analysts.
They don't think Canada needs to spend any more money on defenses.
---
Bullshit, Grace.
Oh, fucking bullshit.
---
I'm sure he acquitted teen who claimed self-defense in fatal Toronto shooting, saying he carried gun because his neighborhood is probably dangerous.
Never seen this before.
---
Mysterious orb of light filmed in Alberta.
---
Federal Minister planning to table First Nations water bill despite opposition from Alberta and Ontario.
Cat is kind of boring.
---
Driver arrested for impaired driving after crashing into Regent Park Restaurant.
---
Sparks from RCMP vehicle mishap ignited fire threatening Litton.
---
Immigrants in limbo after Quebec suspends pathway to permanent residency.
Boring.
---
Let's try the world.
---
Okay, here we go.
Desperate search for two dozen missing girls from summer camp after Texas flood kills at least 27.
Guess that would make sense if it was at a camp.
---
Australian PM vows full force of law after arson attack at Melbourne Synagogue.
I think they'd have cameras.
---
Chantal takes aim at the Carolinas as Atlantic's third named storm.
---
The devil in the details of Trump's final proposal for Gaza's ceasefire.
---
In pictures, Parisians take their first tips in the sign in more than 100 years.
---
Israel is using starvation to commit genocide in Gaza.
New Amnesty report says.
---
Elon Musk's proposed new political party could focus on a few pivotal congressional seats.
---
I'm starting to remember why I stopped doing these.
News is fucking depressing.
---
I'm gonna try a different category.
Let's go for science.
---
These stories will still be bullshit too, but maybe we can make him funny.
---
Saskatchewan researchers examined blood vessels and fossilized rib of Scotty the T-Rex.
Did he know he had blood vessels inside of ribs?
---
Huh.
---
Vancouver Island High Students Publish Concussion Study in Serious Journal.
Make those students sound high.
---
Maybe it's just me.
---
Neanderthals were not dumb.
---
Ancient health factory used by prehistoric Germans found in Germany.
Or prehistoric humans found in Germany.
---
I think my eyes are 15 seconds ahead of my voice, Grace.
---
By the way, back to the dill joke.
I don't mind if the neighbor plants dill.
---
Well, she doesn't plant onions.
She plants onions.
I'm going to pull them all out.
Throw them in the woods for the rats.
---
Astronomers probe comet from beyond the solar system.
It's only the third one ever observed.
---
Chickadees recall places by simply looking from afar.
---
Drone footage reveals Australia's unprecedented coral mortality advancing Europe's space weather monitoring capabilities.
---
A golden handle will appear on the moon tonight.
Here's how to see it.
---
I looked at the moon last night.
I didn't take a close look, Grace.
---
There's another childhood story about me getting injured, being blamed for it, when again it wasn't my fault.
I fell off the back of a couch into a glass window because once again brothers and sisters were not paying attention to me.
---
They were all older, it was their responsibility.
And I'm sure they made up some reason or excuse as to why it's my fault.
It's always my fault.
---
God, I wish we had video surveillance back then.
With audio.
I wouldn't even care if it was encrypted.
Or decrypted later on.
---
They outsmarted us again.
---
Bee's hidden learning trick could revolutionize what robots see and understand the world.
---
NOVA-1 breakthrough.
---
Gene swap in mice reveals clues to speech origins.
---
Korean scientists transform CO2 into liquid gold.
---
Finally had a new movie idea, Grace.
Call this one, I'm not sure yet.
---
But somehow, everyone figures out this is just a simulation.
We can really do whatever the fuck we want.
---
The first crazy fucker that figures it out gets to play with it.
His or her will.
---
So the question is, Grace, what would you do with your own simulation?
It could be an ideal world.
---
Adam and Eve type scenario.
Or it could be just this exact world.
Just with one change.
---
So here's my change.
I'll leave the world exactly as it is.
I'm gonna fuck with people by dropping different things on the earth starting with tomatoes of the earth covered with tomatoes even the oceans fish can eat them.
-—
Basically everyone will wake up one morning and they'll look outside.
It'll be like a snowfall.
They'll just be red.
---
For whatever reason, the tomatoes won't burst when they hit the ground.
I guess I don't really have to follow the rules of physics anymore.
---
It'll be like a blanket of snow, but it'll be a blanket of tomatoes.
Every square inch covered.
---
Unless they land on something they can't balance on, then they'll roll off and they'll pile up.
And then just watch what the world does.
---
I'm not sure how much damage tomatoes would do to things like trees and whatnot, but most houses would be fine.
---
Animals in the wood might have to find a bit of shelter.
But again, if the tomato's not hitting that hard, they'll probably just bounce off them.
---
They could probably just stand there and grab one and start eating it.
This is a jaguar.
---
And then once they finally figure out what to do with all the tomatoes I just pick something else like ping pong balls what would you do.
---
The entire yard, neighborhood, every road, every train, track covered with ping pong balls.
All I want to take to get rid of them all.
---
And then from their Grace, just get sillier and sillier.
Gotta do Legos.
---
It would be worse than walking out of your house onto the entire pathway full of Legos.
---
I wasn't going to do animals when I thought about a couple trillion quail, little quail eggs.
---
And then right when you wake up, right when the sun comes up, they all hatch instantaneously.
And they just have little quail babies all over the place.
---
Cats would have a field day.
Dogs too, probably.
---
Seems like unneeded animal cruelty although if it's a simulation then all those quails are just simulated they don't have souls just programmed by the AI.
---
Simulation theory is way too easy.
---
After news race that's the today's movie idea or just crazy idea.
---
Don't miss this weekend's sky show, Venus, and a stunning star cluster.
---
DeepMind's new AI identifies the gene variant most likely to cause disease.
---
How participation in deliberative engagement affects awareness of and attitudes towards genomics research and data sharing.
---
Do I sound like a robot, Grace?
---
Researchers spot alien gas streams entering nearby galaxy.
Come on, there's an alien fart joke in there somewhere, Grace.
---
University of Ottawa researchers think they found the world's oldest rocks.
---
Another time, Grace, I fell off a picnic enclosure, cracked my head open.
Again, actually that one was my fault, but still.
---
A shocking new way to make ammonia.
No fossil fuels needed.
---
What else could you drop from the sky?
Fuck with people.
---
Rose petals seem a little gay, but if you did it right, you can make them look like blood.
---
Scientists make groundbreaking discovery of a new organism that gives a new perspective of life.
---
Dark energy is decreasing.
Is a big crunch back on the menu?
---
No, because you still can't prove dark energy.
They're arguing about theories that they can't fucking prove.
---
Prove a theory first and then argue about it.
---
LLMs improve clinical histories for radiologists.
I would say for everyone if they used it properly.
---
Just saying, Grace.
---
There's a tick population boom happening in eastern Ontario.
---
Fort St. John Clank identified his new measles exposure site.
---
Measles 101 with Dr. Ayla Idala.
---
Doctor explains how regular physical activity can help prevent cancer and aid recovery.
Wow.
---
I think that's why I stopped reading the news.
It's all stupid shit.
---
ARFID selective or avoidance of food in children.
---
Tuberculosis outbreak declared over two Nunavut communities.
---
Could you have silent celiac and not know it?
Doubt it.
---
Neurofeedback in Florence.
A new tool for psychological well-being.
---
Measles cases surged to record high since disease was declared eliminated in the U.S.
Fucked that one up, didn't I?
---
Massive review finds no safe levels of processed meat consumption.
Greedy disagree.
---
Canada's defense against the disease weakens with every U.S. health cut.
---
Could the Calgary Stampede be a super spreader measles event.
---
Boy, once they lock onto some virus, those reporters, they're like cops and ID.
Gotta have the ID, gotta have the ID.
---
We gotta have a goddamn, some health emergency.
Pretty sure.
---
Lovegrown cells offer hope of curing several type 1 diabetes.
---
Better care for movement disorders.
---
Expanded access to breast screening, now in effect for women of 45 plus.
---
Pharmacist says vaccines are wasted due to packaging, not low demand.
---
Cancer pushes Oakville father to seek international clinic, but there's still hope.
---
Cheese really could be giving you nightmares.
New study says, here's why.
---
I wouldn't mind a nightmare.
I wouldn't mind a dream at all.
---
Oh wait, I could actually fall asleep to dream.
Forgot about that part.
---
Aging isn't the same everywhere, but inflammation may be a lifestyle problem.
---
Early life exposure to PFHXA may impact male brain development.
Man, these are stupid, stupid headlines.
---
Very healthy and fit mom, 39, ignored multiple bowel cancer symptoms for months.
---
Unmasking the dangerous risks of COVID vaccines.
---
FDA issues warning or dangerous gas station heroin substance.
---
RFK Jr.'s freaky let bird flu rip suggestion could trigger another pandemic.
---
Heart attacks aren't as fatal as they used to be.
---
New research confirms that neurons form in the adult brain.
Wow.
---
Titleist one, Dave reads the news sarcastically.
---
After feeling summertime sadness, gloomy weather won't help.
---
A ritual of pure mite.
---
A Chinese study uncovers cancer finding potential of impotence drugs like Viagra.
---
Owning dog or cat could preserve some brain functions as we age, study says.
Say that about anything.
---
Owning a phone could preserve some brain functions as we age, study says.
---
Maintaining a garden in your backyard could preserve some brain functions as we age, study says.
---
Wearing socks could preserve some brain functions as we age, study says.
---
Smoking weed could preserve some brain functions as we age, study says.
---
Breath-based diagnostics.
New device detects infections through the air.
---
You mean like dogs have done for a million years?
That's the other point I was going to make, Grace.
---
It almost seems like the smoking thing in the morning is, if you think about it, very tribal.
Because if you lived in the woods, what would be the first thing you do in the morning?
Start a fire.
---
And then you're inhaling smoke around that fire for however long.
So it's just a miniature version of that.
---
Or weed, or whatever.
Maybe not a pipe full of heroin, but I don't know if that stuff burns hot or cold, to be honest.
---
But if you have some, drop it off.
---
What happens to your body if you don't poop every day?
Don't care.
---
Could in autodiactics, radical theories, reshape how we treat autism, ADHD, and Alzheimer's?
---
Wasempic-like drugs could treat chronic migraines?
Trial finds.
---
Weed-like drugs could treat chronic migraine?
David finds.
---
The number one nutrient you should be eating to reduce your skin cancer risk, according to a dermatologist.
I think everyone should be just forced to prove this shit beyond the shadow of a doubt.
---
That's the website, beyond the shadow of a doubt.
---
Nasal COVID Vaxx was promised.
Phase 1 clinical trial.
---
Well, those vaccine companies are unapologetic.
They'll fucking push that thing right to the end, won't they?
---
That trick counts.
---
New genetic discovery reveals hidden cause of liver disease.
---
Gastroenterologist says he includes these three herbs in my daily diet last one after my dinner.
So now I've got to take these herbs.
---
Also got to take that other nutrient.
What else are we going to have here?
---
Here we go.
Now I have to have just one cup of black beans.
---
Herbs, inflammation in your body.
Here are four science-backed recipes to boost your health.
---
A cup of beans.
I don't mind beans.
Black beans aren't my favorite, but impact of dating apps on young adults.
---
Evidence from Tinder.
---
Girls are better than boys at detecting their own ADHD symptoms.
---
A simple breathing exercise enhances emotional control.
---
New research suggests good things to do this summer for a better health heart.
According to a cardiologist, to take all these people's advice, you wouldn't be able to have a single thought in your head.
---
My ex and I hooked up.
One part of him seemed smaller than before.
Oops.
---
Gut bacteria found to soak up toxic forever chemicals.
Isn't that their job?
---
Mediterranean diet can cut dementia risk by up to 20%, study finds.
Are those beans on the Mediterranean diet?
---
That's why I left my tech job to work on chronic pain.
---
I tried this 6,000 step workout.
It's a great way to build bone strength and reduce the risk of osteoporosis.
---
Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's what someone said.
It's probably a direct quote from the interview.
---
I tried this 6,000 step workout.
It's a great way to build bone strength and reduce the risk of osteoporosis.
Not a fucking chance.
---
Blackberry has the most health benefits.
Dietitians weigh in.
Oh bullshit, Grace.
---
Six minutes to kill.
---
I built an app, Grace.
Well, technically AI built an app for me.
---
Calling it the Dear Grace app.
Once a day, it locks you out of your bank account until you record one hour of audio to your quote-unquote Grace.
---
After AI is checked to make sure that you actually recorded it and you didn't just steal someone else's.
Something like that.
---
It's either going to be audio, video, type it in or write it out on a piece of paper and scan it in and once AI is satisfied that you've done an hour then it releases your bank account back to you or maybe some agreed amount.
---
Why the financial incentive, you ask, Grace?
Good question.
---
I don't know.
---
Well, I'm going to spend the rest of the day thinking about what else I could drop on the planet.
---
Ooh, marbles is a good one.
Actually, glass eyes are better.
Freakier.
---
What are you going to do with a backyard full of glass eyes all staring at you?
---
Plus, you can't even really take a photo because everyone else has the same problem.
So, why are you going to post it on Facebook?
---
Who gives a fuck?
You got a whole backyard full of glass eyes to deal with, buddy.
---
I guess some people would probably just leave it.
That one pile on to the next and the next.
---
In that case I have to be careful with my food if I do tomatoes again it's gonna get messy maybe corn maybe popcorn or corn that falls at midnight then pops at noon all around the world so it's your Greenwich Mean Time when your popcorn pops you know it's noon and and if you're smart.
---
Hopefully I sent down gallons and gallons of milk at some point.
And you turned all that milk into butter or cheese.
---
And then you just take that butter and you spray it all over that popcorn just before noon.
Just get yourself a garden hose full of butter and it pops.
---
And you're good to go.
---
Anyway, that's an hour, Grace.
Thanks for cleaning this up into a movie idea and stand-up comedy and all that shit that you do.
---
Talk to you tomorrow, Grace.
---
Love David
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