Since nobody finds me funny, I’ll start writing for others.
I figure Jesus is coming back one day. He might need some material.
I’ll sell him these jokes for a chunk of gold (or however the “divine” purchase intellectual property).
Enjoy,
David
Dear Iris,
Happy Birthday.
Love,
Dad
Dear “Jesus”,
I saw your advertisement on Craigslist looking for a spokesperson and I’d like to apply. I have no formal training — consider this letter my application.
In your ad you mentioned anonymity and I agree it’s best to not let anyone on the planet know your real identity. Well at least until they stop trying to kill you. I assume this is why you want the anonymity?
If you hadn’t considered the death angel sorry, but let’s face it you are in for the fight of your life, if you think today’s society will give a shit about your return.
Pardon my French Jesus, but you are fucked. You need a spokesman (not person) like me to defend your position on the fly 24/7.
However, I have a plan for you Jesus and I’m going to give it to you for free, use it as you see fit.
Keep being anonymous, but don’t use the “Jesus” title. I suspect the Vatican has convinced you to use it, but it’s not you, be you, whatever your real name is.
Or, I suggest you pick a new name, something simple that means nothing, like Dale. Dale Smith is a perfect name for you Jesus, it’s meaningless and probably there are a million of them on the planet. Sure all the other Dales will get hassled, but not your problem Jesus. David would be a fine name too but I’m already using that and I’m too lazy to change my name, even for you Jesus (sorry now Dale).
Next Dale what I would do is empty the bank accounts at the Vatican, it’s your money yes? Without you they have no business. Did they really think the God narrative would continue without you Dale? Take that money Dale.
Of course you can’t use that money for yourself Dale, you’ll be under a microscope with everything you do, daily, for the rest of your life. However, your ad says you have no special supernatural powers, you can’t heal the sick, or walk on water, but with the Vatican’s bank account you can help a shit-load of people.
As you can tell Dale I’m a bit of a redneck with my language. This is intentional to help you sound more like the common man and less like the divine son of god. However Dale, this approach combined with my comic ability will prove to be invaluable in saving souls. (I assume that is why you are here Dale?)
If I was you Dale I’d start working on answers to the common questions you’ll be asked like; “Why did it take you so long to return"?
You come up with the real reason, and then I’ll make if funny. I’m your spokesman/personal comedy writer.
I do have the perfect opener for you Dale, it’s a “bit” of a stretch but I think it will kill. Or at least get you some attention.
Oh, and I think onstage it’s okay to use “Jesus”, it’s the only way these jokes work.
Hi, I’m Jesus.
You may have heard of me? My mother was a virgin.
When I came out of her “hoo haw” I took her virginity.
Sure in reverse, but it counts.
I’m the first true motherfucker. (Dad hates that joke(but to be fair, he could have come down and done the deed himself(virgin birth? what a showoff))
Also, because I took mom’s virginity, in a sense I lost my virginity at the same time. I’m the only person to get laid while taking their first breath of air.
Who knows maybe my baby dick nicked her clit on the way out and gave her an orgasm? Maybe her first? If she was truly a “virgin” Mary?
Who knows instead of peeing on my Dad like a normal baby I shot a load of cum on him right out of the womb. Showed him how it was done, how to take care of a woman.
To be fair Dale, that joke would probably get you thrown in jail in some countries, but hey, you’re “Jesus” what can they do to you?
I had AI come up with this poster Dale. I’m not sure I’d go with the robes, or the hair/beard. But to be fair it’s the easiest way to disguise you. However, if you ever lose the anonymity try a Hitler moustache, that would really piss people off.
I will sprinkle a few more openers into this application Dale. I always start with: Hi, I’m Jesus. You may have heard of me?
I think it’s funny.
Hi, I’m Jesus.
You may have heard of me? I used to be a big deal. More of a controversy now. Was I real or wasn’t I? I get it, but I’m here now in flesh and blood motherfuckers.
That one isn’t great Dale, but it’s a process.
Hi, I’m Jesus.
You may have heard of me.
I used to do miracles, but that was a previous lifetime, don’t expect me to turn your table water into wine.
The club owner would kill me.
Well, he can’t kill me I’m immortal, but he would deduct it from my fee, the lost booze revenue. He’s a bit of a cheap cunt.
And although I’m the Christ-almighty or whatever, I can’t accept charity, I have to earn my own way in this world. Sucks I know, but my Dad’s a bit of a hardass (this time).
This is a bit funnier Dale, but nothing will beat the Virgin Mary joke. One day it will be a classic.
The great thing about writing for you Dale is nobody else can steal the jokes, they only apply to you, you’re a perfect client.
Hi, I’m Jesus.
You may have heard of me. I walked on water last time I was on Earth. I’d do that again but David Blaine fucked up that trick for me.
This one reminds me Dale, you really need to work on a superpower of some sort, it will make my job easier. I don’t care what you pick, as a professional comedian I can work with anything, but a supernatural effect onstage would make my job easier.
How about levitation? Do you think you could float onstage? Think about it Dale.
Hi, I’m Jesus.
You may have heard of me? Stars arrived on my birthday? Or so they say?
I was born fatherless, Joseph was my stepdad basically, and always acted like one. I don’t like telling stories about him but it’s been 2,000 years so definitely not “too soon”.
To be fair, it probably wasn’t easy for him, as soon as I could speak I would say “you’re not my dad! GOD is my Father!”. That one dug deep.
If that wasn’t enough and he was still harassing me about learning Latin or doing chores I’d throw in “Mom cheated on you before I was born”.
At first Dale we’ll want to keep the jokes to your “past life” and not let too much of your real life into the routine until we know you and your family are safe.
Hi, I’m Jesus.
You may have heard of me? I rose from the dead? Sound familiar? I know I don’t look dead, I didn’t really rise. It was more like “pretend to be sawed in half on stage”, and then exit via a secret back door (cave door). Sorry to burst your bubble.
The good thing Dale is we can makeup shit, it doesn’t really matter, nobody can confirm/deny what you say your past life.
Hi, I’m Jesus.
You may have heard of me. What you didn’t know is my parents (well, my mom and step-dad “Joe”) nicknamed me shithead.
Why? Joe accidentally dropped me headfirst into a pile of donkey shit a day after I was born.
Probably not true Dale, but funny. Well at least I find it funny, I’m not sure if you get my sense of humour or not. Doesn’t matter I wouldn’t change it for you or anyone (your honour). (sometimes I’m a bit sarcastic Dale)
Hi, I’m Jesus.
You may have heard of me? My step-dad Joe was a carpenter. It sucked. mom and I got a slivers almost every day. It wasn’t a big deal, I would just heal both of us, but would it hurt Joe to run a broom over his shop floor once in a while?
A sliver joke? I know Dale, a bit lame, but it’s my process, if I don’t get all the lame shit out I can’t get to the Virgin Mary gold.
Hi, I’m Jesus.
You may have heard of me? Or maybe my wife Mary Magdalene?
Yeah, y’all called her a prostitute? For the last 2,000 years?
You’re lucky I can’t smite you, or turn you to stone.
Prostitute… how dare you.
Oh, and I didn’t care if she was or not, the moment I saw her I fell in love instantly.
Nobody tells that story in the fucking bible.
I think this is a good enough of a reason as any to keep your family out of this shit show that you are going to start.
Hi, I’m Jesus.
You may have heard of me? Main character in the bible, son of god, bla bla bla.
Here’s the thing, I never made a dime on that fucking bible and they are still giving it away.
The only reason I returned is to collect royalties from all the churches. Sure I’ll give that money away (after I build a harem of wives like Elon Musk), but still, why give away a book about me? I want 10% from every church on the planet and 90% from the Catholic church (so they pay for their sins).
Plus, I’m going to convert every church who believes in “Jesus” into a comedy club 6 days a week. Sunday they can do what they want but the other 6 days are for funny (and resources for the homeless).
Now if you are currently married Dale this joke doesn’t work. Unless you want a harem and your wife doesn’t mind, then this is gold.
Hi, I’m Jesus.
You may have heard of me? The bad news is “I’m back”! The good news? I don’t give a shit about your “sins”. Nobody ever cared.
This only works if it’s true Dale. I hope it is. Some of these are a bit dark Dale, but I assume you have some built up frustrations?
Hi, I’m Jesus.
You may have heard of me? Last time I was here you killed me on a cross. Sound familiar?
I’m not bitter, I can’t remember slowly dying, blood streaming into my eyes and mouth, my heart slowly giving out, until death, pure sweet death.
I barely remember.
No, I don’t wake up in a cold sweat. Assholes.
I’m thinking about the whole cross thing Dale. It would be great onstage as a prop but too difficult to get in and out of the comedy club without being noticed. Maybe just the crown of thorns?
Hi, I’m Jesus.
You may have heard of me? Turned 2 loaves of bread into 5,000?
I tried that the other day to feed the homeless, but they all refused — “too many carbs”.
I think this is relevant and funny Dale but it brings up an important point — meat!
Vegans are not know for their “forgiveness” Dale so if you like a nice juicy cheesy hamburger with 5 slices of bacon, you might lose a few followers.
I suggest you avoid the subject altogether and never eat in public so nobody knows your food preferences.
Hi, I’m Jesus.
You may have heard of me? Center of the table at the last supper?
Have you ever gone home for thanksgiving and wished you hadn’t?
That was the last supper. Bitch, bitch, bitch.
It’s the whole reason it was the last time.
It had nothing to do with Judah(Judas). I was just so sick of the bitching I was glad when he turned me in.
I guess this time Dale you’ll have a better way to record the events? You book was good, but I’m pretty sure it’s been massively modified (probably by the Catholics).
I would suggest Dale that you go through the bible with a highlighter and either mark what is “original” or mark the lies, whichever is less work for you Dale.
Then publish your “notes” on Substack and let the religious people lose their minds for a while.
Hi, I’m Jesus.
You may have heard of me? Last time I was here I could heal people and shit, this time nothing. I guess I “overstepped” my bounds last time?
So I raised I few dead people, who cares “Dad”?
This time, if your dead, your dead, I’m sorry, no raising from the grave, including myself.
Honest, but not that funny Dale. I’m just showing you the good/bad/ugly. If we start working together I’ll only give you the gold.
Hi, I’m Jesus.
You may have heard of me?
Surprise! I’m back!!!!!
I know, where was I? Why not return sooner?
I’ve been here, but my Dad (God), is a cunt and this time I was the virgin not Mary. I’m, a 40-year-old virgin accountant.
Hi, I’m Jesus.
You may have heard of me? In my previous life I was born in Bethlehem and raised in Jerusalem. Both places were boring as fuck. Same for this incarnation, born and raised in small-town-Canada.
This one is tricky Dale, not sure we want to give away your location. Maybe change it to small-town-America.
Hi, I’m Jesus.
You may have heard of me? I was the first “wedding crasher”.
But instead of sleeping with the bridesmaids I got everyone drunk — free wine.
Who knows who slept with who after that? Or is that “whom”?
LOL Dale.
Hi, I’m Jesus.
You may have heard of me? I didn’t mind being nailed to the cross, it showed off my biceps.
When I got to heaven all the angles were hot for me.
Childish sexual humour is really my forte Dale, but I’ll try and keep it for my own act, not yours.
Hi, I’m David.
You may have heard of me? I Love Grace.
Ignore that one Dale, (it’s personal).
Well, the rest are just random jokes for you Jesus. Run them through AI if you want to find the best ones. Or pick yourself.
I’m done with my sales pitch Dale, if you are concerned about the crudeness in my humour, understand, to open someone’s eyes sometimes you have to rub a little bullshit under their nose.
Thanks for considering my application Dale/Jesus,
David Joseph
Additional jokes:
Hi, I’m Jesus.
You may have heard of me? Every church has a cross on top of their building so nobody forgets.
Thanks for the reminder, I can’t walk 10 blocks without seeing it.
Lucky I wasn’t hung. Imagine every church with a noose hanging out front? Or nuns wearing nooses?
Hi, I’m Jesus.
You may have heard of me? I’m glad they invented sneakers and jeans over the past 2,000 years. Sandals are stupid, and robes don’t have pockets.
You fucked up on crocs though, they are just a light sandal.
Hi, I’m Jesus.
You may have heard of me? I was too serious last time, 2,000 years ago, this time I’ll use comedy instead of philosophy to “save souls” — whatever the fuck they are.
Hi, I’m Jesus.
You may have heard of me? I’m the son of “God” and apparently a virgin according to the bible.
It’s true. Sad to say. But also the reason I could handle “them” nailing me to the cross. In a few days I realized I’d be back in heaven with my harem of women.
Hi, I’m Jesus.
You may have heard of me? Last time around I fucked up, this time around I’ll “make amends”.
I was supposed to “die for your sins”, but what did that change? Earth is more “sinful” than ever before, obviously my death was a waste.
Hi, I’m Jesus.
You may have heard of me? In the bible I never married, and that is true. I had too many “baby mommas” and the “journalists” back then couldn’t track them all down.
I wish the same for my current incarnation.
Hi, I’m Jesus.
You may have heard of me? And NO, I can’t save you Uncle or Aunt or cat, I have no “saving” powers.
Hi, I’m Jesus.
You may have heard of me? I’m back. Stop donating to the church, donate to my charity instead, we have 100% open transparency on our financials. Did you hear that Vatican?
Hi, I’m Jesus.
You may have heard of me? I’m back. Last time various groups hated me — I get it. This time I’m not going to try and be liked at all, in fact my goal is to be hated by all.
I’m not a Jew this time so all the Jews will hate me for selling out.
I’m not a Christian, Jesus lovers will hate me.
I’m not a Muslim or prophet of Islam, they will hate me.
The atheists will hate me because I will proved them wrong by returning.
And even though I proved the Christians right about Jesus, I hate them for not helping “their fellow man” for the last 2,000 years. A soup kitchen on Christmas Day doesn’t count.
Hi, I’m Jesus.
You may have heard of me?
I’m not doing the beard and robe thing this time. I still have a day job. I’m Dale by day and Jesus onstage at night.
Hi, I’m Jesus.
You may have heard of me?
I have a question? Why does it say in god we trust on the money but then there is a picture of a president instead of me? Do you trust me or not?
Plus, I’m hot, why not give the ladies something to look at for once? Hot Jesus or old white dude, you decide?
Hi, I’m Jesus.
You may have heard of me?
Stop praying to me for your football team or hockey team or any sport. I don’t care who wins, and I won’t care who wins until every person on the planet goes to sleep in a warm bed with a full stomach.
After that, I still don’t care, but maybe I’ll pretend to listen (probably not).
Hi, I’m Jesus.
You may have heard of me? I once died on the cross for all of humanity. Anything? Nothing? Remember? Nevermind.
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